adjective, happier, happiest.
delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing:
to be happy to see a person.
characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:
a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
I have just created this blog only moments ago and am admittedly currently creating this post via iPhone (modern technology really is incredible), thus explaining the cliche raspberry-in-a-cup picture that came with it. Thanks, free version of WordPress! But hey, happiness can be found in the simplest of things, and I for one think even raspberries can induce a feeling of happiness. Seriously. I’m saying it. Fruit can be happy! But people? Sometimes I wonder.
I think I can speak on behalf of all 21st century humans when I say life can suck. Honestly. Life sometimes really sucks. But what are we to do? Let darkness win? Are we put on this earth to live, only to be defeated by life itself? Or are we to conquer and overcome? Defeat our adversers in a fight so grand and epic that everyone else is simply left to stare in awe with jaw agape? I’m not sure.
But the real question is
“What are you supposed to do when the real enemy is yourself?”
Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of demons. I’ve lost my path. I sit in my bedroom all day, and yet I feel drained and lifeless. I preach to others to be happy and confident, and yet I cringe when I look in a mirror. I am stuck in a constant cycle of binging and purging. As I push people away, I remove myself from life. I am at a crossroad. I am lost. I am sad and confused and angry and I am tired. I am tired of being sad and confused and angry all of the time.
“Just be happy.”
Is happiness a choice?Hypothetically, I should be a happy person. I have so many amazing reasons to be happy. I have a pretty good life. I have 3 dogs and 4 cats who absolutely adore me: I’m their whole world (does that sound mildly egotistical?). I’m going to my absolute dream school (I’m going to be a freshman at Ouachita Baptist University this fall!!). My family cares (although sometimes they show it in non traditional ways). My friends understand me (in more ways than I would expect). I also have THE most amazing, most caring, most empathetic, most intelligent (don’t tell him I said that), most handsome, most beautiful-of-a-soul boyfriend in the whole entire world who is currently trying to comfort me during one of the most difficult times of my life, and I’ll never be able to thank him enough for it.
I’m beyond blessed in many ways.
But my life’s not perfect; I suppose no one’s is, although I imagine a few come pretty darn close. I’m slowly trying to process and accept that my life will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. No matter how hard I try. And honestly, that’s okay.
So no matter how low I go, or how deep I sink, I am telling my future self right now that there will always be a surface. A silver lining. An escape. And I can get out if I put my mind to it. I can climb. I can stop myself from drowning. I can be free.
And I can be happy.
//thank you to those who actually read this blog. it was not created on the idea that many would see it, but rather on the idea that maybe the few would gain hope//
until next time,