Body negativity and thoughts of the new year

*The first part of this post was written in July of 2016. I was too afraid to publish it because of what people might think of me. Since then, I’ve seen or heard many people saying they want to lose weight and become skinny or skinnier in 2017. I saw this as an opportunity to share my story and experiences I’ve had. If you’d like to skip the sad part and get to the advice part, feel free lol I’m a mess

**And I’d like to say that you’re all beautiful and I hope you never think anything different than that. We all struggle internally with things we wish we could change about ourselves, but it’s possible to be happy anyways. And although the majority of this post may seem negative, I am working on me and I’m working on being happy, and because of that, I am grateful.

July 2016

I would love to say that I’m really proud of myself. That I put in lots and lots of hard work to achieve this weight loss. That I want to give advice on how I lost it and inspire others to achieve a healthier lifestyle. That I’m happy. But that wouldn’t be true, would it?

“the truth will set you free”

The summer before my senior year, I was devastated when I stepped on the scale and discovered that I weighed almost 170 pounds; I had never been that heavy before in my entire life. I had consistently stayed around 155, but depression set in and I was not motivated to take care of myself. I ate fast food every day after school, causing me to gain even more weight (Wendy’s, I forgive you). I didn’t exercise. At all. The flights of stairs at school always left me winded and breathless. It was embarrassing. And I was sick of it.

•••

I had always known I was one of the chubbier girls in my classes growing up, but when you’re young, you don’t care as much. You care about coloring, and who you’re going to play with on the playground, and if your mom packed your pudding for lunch. Things are so simple.

5th grade was tough. I didn’t really know anyone in my class, and I had to make new friends. Growing up with social anxiety (that’s a whole other post in itself), that was super difficult for me. I got teased a lot, but it wasn’t too bad.

Middle school was full of changing friend groups and was very confusing. But 7th grade marked a turning point in my life. A boy in my science class called me “stupid, fat, ugly, and worthless.” I remember every detail about that day. That was the first day my worst fears came true: to me, everyone thought the things about me that I thought about myself. That was the first day I thought “wow, I really hate myself.”

Okay, it wasn’t alllll his fault. But, he awakened something inside of me. Something sad. Something dark. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror anymore. I was “too this” or “not enough that.” My hair wasn’t shiny. My cheeks were chubby. My tummy was too squishy. My thighs rubbed together too much when I walked. My face wasn’t very pretty. I hated smiling. So, I didn’t.

I went through a lot of tough times. I locked myself in my room for days. I hated the sunlight (not just because I’m so so pale and burn every time I step outside lol). I didn’t want to hang out with friends, but I would feel so left out if I wasn’t invited anywhere. I had no one but myself to confide in, and that was my worst mistake. I contemplated harming myself. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be gone.

I gained a small amount of confidence in junior high and throughout my sophomore and junior years of high school. I wasn’t  happy, per say, but I was satisfied enough; I knew I couldn’t change. I couldn’t make myself become the person I wanted to be. I would never be as pretty or skinny as other girls.

•••

Senior year started, and I was struggling with a lot of things. I almost failed two classes junior year (don’t worry; I finished with B’s in both. God is real, y’all). I had no idea where I wanted to go to college. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. *honestly, not much has changed* My “boyfriend” (at that time) wouldn’t talk to me. Needless to say, ya girl wasn’t having it. I didn’t want to be a burden on my friends, so I kept my inner demons to myself. I felt like I had no one to talk to. I thought something was wrong with me. I still didn’t like the way I looked. And so one day, during the first week of my senior year, I made a mistake that I’m going to regret forever: I threw up my dinner.

“I just think you would be happier if you lost a little weight”

I had thought about eating disorders. A lot. It seemed like such a quick fix to all of my problems. But I didn’t realize that I already had one. I had a binge eating disorder: I would eat and eat and eat until I felt like I was going to explode, and then I would be left drowning in feelings of sadness and guilt about what I had done. I ate when I was bored, I ate when I wasn’t hungry, and I ate to feel better; however, I definitely did not feel better. I contemplated anorexia, but ruled that out quickly; I didn’t think I could ever stop eating food. Bulimia never really crossed my mind that often. I had actually tried a couple times, but it never worked. Until one day, it did. And the next day it did, too. And the day after that. And the one after that. I was throwing up my dinner almost every day. I would go out to eat with friends, and return with a runny nose, tears in my eyes, and teeth marks on my hand. I would eat dinner with my family, only to quickly retreat to the bathroom, turn the bath on to drown out any noise, and claim I was just taking a shower. Sometimes I took three showers in one day. No one thought anything of it. I was beginning to be happy with myself. I was okay with what I was doing. I didn’t realize that I would almost kill my body.

The weight didn’t immediately start dropping. I weighed myself every single day. My original goal was to get back to 155. Actually, I wanted to be better than I had been at 155; I wanted to be 150. When writing down our cap and gown sizes at the beginning of the year, I wrote down my goal weight was 145. I graduated weighing less than 125. That 145 turned into 140, which turned into 135, which led to 130, and somehow I am here. I am 121. **this was written in July**

The weight just seemed to fall off all at once, and suddenly it was gone. I was gone. I was a shell of my former self. When I began my “weight loss journey” I had hoped to feel like people would like me more. I had hoped that I would get noticed by somebody. I had hoped to make more friends. I had hoped to get attention. And sadly, that’s exactly what happened. Suddenly people knew my name and were making conversation with me in class. I gained lots of followers on social media that I had never even met in person before. People were calling me pretty. Or beautiful. And even gorgeous. People that I had barely even spoken a word to before. People were jealous of me. People were proud of me. People were asking how I did it, how I lost all of that weight, what did I do. I answered I changed my lifestyle, I stopped drinking soda, started drinking more water, exercised more. And I wasn’t completely lying.

Around February I started going to the gym; I was trying to get in shape for my school’s musical I was in, but I was also secretly hoping to lose even more weight. Because that would be healthy. That would make up for what I had been doing for so many months. But that didn’t fix what I had done. It only made it worse. If I didn’t make it to the gym that day, I would try to starve myself. Like that would even it out. I still go to the gym sometimes today. It’s therapeutic. It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. Like I’m becoming a better me.

I told two people about my problem: one of my best friends, and my mom. My mom made me go to therapy a couple of times, and I do think it worked; however, the focus at the time was more on my social anxiety than my eating disorder (I know, I’m just a bundle of fun!).

My throat was always sore and scratchy. I would miss out on things that my friends were doing because I would be too busy throwing up in the bathroom. I would become hostile when anyone asked about where I was or what I had been doing. But somewhere along the way, the majority of the vomiting stopped. I could hold down a meal. But I would have my moments of weakness, as all people do, and I would try again. But, I couldn’t. My body physically wouldn’t let me. I cried and cried out in fear that my body would return to the way it had been. That I would return to the way I had been. That all of the attention would be gone. That I wouldn’t be pretty anymore.

I created this blog after a really hard couple of days for me. I had recently fallen back into the cycle of binging and purging and I couldn’t make myself stop. I felt hopeless. I just desperately did not want to gain that weight back before I left for college. I needed to be skinny so I could make new friends. I was a mess. My boyfriend was really scared; I was ignoring his text messages and phone calls and he was so afraid something had happened to me. But I didn’t want to answer. I was ashamed of myself and what I had done. Who I was. I didn’t want him to think I was fat or ugly. I didn’t want anyone to think that. So, the cycle had started up again. I didn’t get out of bed the next day. I ate a banana and a handful of cereal for lunch. For dinner, I binged everything in sight. I really regretted that. But, I couldn’t throw it up. I sobbed and wailed and felt like a mess. I fought with my mom. The only thing I thought I needed help with was losing weight. One slip up and I would think I had just gained 5 pounds. I was afraid. I was afraid of myself.

•••

i felt the need to make this post because I have been lying for so long. The truth is, weight loss is hard. And the truth is, you can have insecurities even after it’s all gone.

Things nobody tells you about significant weight loss or being “skinny”:

*your legs can still look weird to you even when you get a thigh gap

*it’s hard to sleep at night because the bones in your legs rub together and they sit on top of each other and you have no cushion and it’s very uncomfortable

*your perception of your double chin won’t magically disappear

*stretch marks are everywhere

*your boobs shrink more than you think they would. and it really. really. sucks.

*NONE OF YOUR OLD CLOTHES FIT RIGHT. might as well throw your favorite dresses and jeans away now

*you still may have dimples in your thighs

*sometimes your hair falls out. a lot.

*your face sometimes looks sunken in and lifeless

*your fear of shopping because clothes will be too small turns into the sadness that clothes will be too big

*you become obsessed with your hip bones

*you’ll be weirded out by how tiny your wrists become

*you’re cold. all the time

*you won’t know whether to be happy or sad when you can count your ribs just by looking at yourself

*you’ll be called “too skinny”

*sometimes when it’s really windy outside you’ll feel like you could literally get blown away

*weight loss won’t make you magically love everything about yourself

•••

i think I’m going to be okay (I’m telling myself that, at least). For the people around me, I need to be okay. I will be okay

im writing this post on July 18, 2016. Who knows when I will actually publish it though. I’m hoping to say that I will be recovered by the time that happens.

*************January 2, 2017**************

Well that was depressing lol laugh through the tears am I right??

I weighed 121 pounds when I wrote this originally. As the summer went on, I tried to stop eating. I thought 500 calories would be a good amount to eat in 1 day. I got down to around 118 pounds. I wanted to be as low as 110 or 115 pounds. I exercised for up to 4 or 5 hours a day. My body was constantly sore. I could count all of my ribs just by looking at myself: can you?

Today, I probably weigh 128. A few days ago, I weighed 125. Sadly, I am not recovered. My binge problem got even worse when I started college, and it hasn’t stopped yet. When I look in the mirror, I see the body I had over a year ago. I may still weigh significantly less than when I started my “weight loss journey”, but it doesn’t feel or look like it to me.

Some thoughts for the new year…

I know weight loss can be a very positive thing. It can leave us feeling confident, happy, and proud of ourselves. And trust me, I love seeing people become better versions of themselves. And trust me, I have gone about weight loss in a variety of healthy ways in the past. However, there is a very dark side to weight loss that you can very easily become trapped in. It can torment you day and night. I am controlled every waking minute of every day by food. I urge you to take care of yourselves. Please, please, please take care of yourselves. Please, please, please don’t become like me. Make sure you want to lose weight in a safe way. Make sure you’re losing weight for you. Not to please anybody else. Make your goal to be HEALTHY. Every person has a different set weight that their body is programmed to work best at. Don’t focus too much on that number on the scale. Don’t let it haunt your nightmares. It is absolutely not worth it. It is absolutely not worth it to skip a meal in fear of gaining a pound. That one time you skipped a meal can turn into a lifetime of torture.

Drink water. Go on long walks. Go on hikes. Eat that piece of cake (anything is okay in moderation!!). Watch the sunset. Enjoy the ride in the car. Go to the gym (especially when you’re sad. and if you have a hard time being motivated, watch netflix while you’re exercising. it’ll do wonders). Sing (loudly). Laugh as much and as hard as you can (tone those abs, girl!). Cut those toxic relationships out of your life. Fall in love. Do things that will make you spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically healthier. I may not be where my goal is to be right now, but I have felt what it’s like to be healthy and happy. Being healthy makes you happy. Being happy makes you healthy.

In conclusion…

I know this has been pretty much all over the place, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should focus on you this year. Stop trying to please everybody else so much!! Here I am typing this after binge eating sooo much food and I was sad and I was sinking back into depression and I had to stop and ask myself “what’s the point??” Good question, Lauren. What is the point? What’s the point of doing things you know make you unhappy? What’s the point of constantly comparing yourself to all of these other people on social media? What’s the point of freaking out when you eat a freakin’ burger?? We all may take 2 giant leaps forward and 1 step back sometimes, but hey, we still have that 1 giant leap forward. And if you mess up, tomorrow is a fresh start.

We all praise the new year and our chance at new beginnings, but isn’t every day a new beginning? We have the opportunity to turn our lives around every minute of every day we experience. What’s stopping us? What’s stopping you?

So. If you’ve read all of this (bless you) and you’ve evaluated why you want to lose weight and how you want to do it…do it! I know you can. 2017 can be your year to transform your body into a strong machine that can do whatever you want it to do. It may not happen all at once, but that’s okay. The journey will be worth it. Be proud of every single accomplishment you have. It doesn’t matter how “little” it may seem at the time. You ate a salad for lunch? That’s awesome! Salads are kinda disgusting, so I’m really proud of you, and you should be too!! You squatted 5 pounds more than you usually do? You go girl (or boy. idk who’s reading this)!! You went on a walk today? Invite me next time! Walks are great for you!

Take a moment and be thankful that you’re here and you’re living and you’re breathing and you have the capability to do something with your life. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t develop an eating disorder just so you can be as “attractive” or “skinny” as someone else. I’ve been fighting for almost a year and a half. Eating disorders are the #1 killer of all mental health disorders. And yes, it is a mental health disorder. And yes, that means more people die of eating disorders every year than of depression and suicidal thoughts (just to put that in perspective).

I don’t really know how to wrap this up lol sorry for the ramblings…

be happy be healthy be you!!

please remember: pretty hurts.

*thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this post. as terrified as I am of people knowing the truth, I hope that at least someone will now know not to make the mistakes that I have.

College Life.

remember when this was a thing??? lol.

I’ve been moved in at Ouachita for over two weeks now. Our orientation week consisted of lots of awkward icebreaker activities and learning about all things OBU. We had a WOW cup competition day; I didn’t really participate because movement isn’t really my thing (there were burpee and jump rope activities), but I did contribute to spelling out the letter ‘O’ with my body (I’m kind of a big deal). There was also a thing called Tigers and Torches, and it was awesome. Kind of gave off some freaky cult vibes, but awesome. We got beanies and officially felt like we were #tigers4lyfe lol. We also may or may not have lit the campus on fire. It’s fine. After that, we took our first class picture and headed to the purple and gold dessert and karaoke party. I ate lots of yummy ice cream and hung out with a couple of girls that I had become kind of close to that day. We ended up leaving early and heading back to my dorm just to chill before college and classes actually started. I also got to meet my theatre mentor during that week; she’s super super sweet, and we had a little heart to heart conversation in the student center (so if you saw me crying, that’s why oops lol). Overall, the week made me anxious for classes to start.

I have a very important question: why did no one ever warn me about the syllabus???

I had no idea my whole semester for every class would just be laid out right in front of me; it’s so intimidating. Somehow, I’ve beat the procrastination habit I had in high school. This past week, I had all of my homework through Thursday done by Sunday night (I was super proud of myself). There’s lots of work in college, but I guess it’s manageable. I’m glad I got it all done though because I ended up going to the lake that day with some people in the theatre department. We were going to go floating in the river, but apparently some people ended up having to get rescued out of the water because the rapids were so rough. Needless to say, we chose not to do that. We went and ate pizza together afterwards too.

Speaking of the theatre department, the people seem really nice. We had auditions on the first day of school for the two fall productions (To Kill a Mockingbird and The Learned Ladies) that OBU is doing. Needless to say, the first day of school was very stressful. I got callbacks for both shows (very surprising), and I actually ended up getting cast in TLL!! I’m super excited. We start rehearsals in a few weeks. I think I’m the only freshman girl cast in it (my daughters are both older than me lolol), but I’m not sure. Either way, I’m nervous but very happy!! The day the cast list went up, a few of us ended up hanging out. I met some new people. We watched bad lip readings, a scary movie, and ate food. Everyone was so nice. We also had a theatre department cookout that week, and I went and got coffee with a few people after that.

The past couple of weeks since school started have also consisted of Walmart runs, looking for the campus cat, and lots of Chickfila. Oh yeah, fun fact: there was this thing called Spotlight on Arkadelphia that happened. Basically, lots of local businesses sat up around campus and you would walk around and get a whole bunch of free stuff. I got an unholy amount of free candy, cookies, pizza, coffee, and more. It was like Halloween but even better. I’ve also gotten 5 new t shirts since getting to college. It may or may not be a problem. Along with all of the super awesome and cool stuff I got that night, I also got lots and lots of mosquito bites!!! Apparently one of them got infected or something (or it might have even been a spider bite) and my foot became swollen to twice its normal size. I could barely walk on it, so I hobbled slowly across campus (THANK GOD I don’t go to a huge college) with my monster foot for about 4 days. This happened the first week of school. It was really really embarrassing, but I guess it made for a good conversation starter??

People keep asking me if I’m enjoying college, and I keep saying yes. But really, I’m struggling. I feel like I’m holding myself back. A lot. All I do is sit in my dorm room and do homework. The only person I eat meals with is my boyfriend, which it’s nice to see him and all, but I don’t know who I would sit and eat with if he wasn’t there. I noticed during WOW that it seemed like everyone else had made best friends in their groups and I hadn’t, but I just assumed everything would be okay once classes started. Classes have started, and it’s only gotten worse. It seems like everyone already has their friend groups except for me. Maybe it’s because they got awesome roommates or suitemates or WOW groups that they connect with and get along with, but I feel like I just don’t belong with mine. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all nice (I even went to the first football game with my roommate and suitemates and had a pretty good time). But being around them just makes me feel like I don’t fit in with them or like they’re just not going to be my best friends. It also doesn’t help that my roommate goes home every Friday afternoon and doesn’t come back until Sunday night. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with. It’s honestly really been bringing me down lately. I feel super pathetic (I even started crying in class a couple of times. Lame, I know). I ended up coming home because of Labor Day weekend; it was a very very last minute decision, but I just didn’t want to be locked up in my dorm by myself for four more days. It was nice just to be home and be able to sleep in my own bed again. My parents took me out to eat at Chili’s (my fav restaurant). I went on a couple of walks with my mom (the weather’s been super nice. I’m so pumped for fall). I didn’t get to see any of my friends from high school (that sucks).

And at this point, I don’t want to go back to OBU. But, I know I have to. I’m hoping I’ll start hanging out with people outside of class, but I don’t know if that will happen. I’ve never had to be a very outgoing person when it comes to meeting people and making new friends. I’m not used to it. I’ve never really been the person to ask someone to hang out or grab lunch or coffee sometime. It seems hard and scary. I need people to eat lunch with, or to study with, or to go to football games with. I didn’t really anticipate it being the third week of school and finding myself saying “I don’t have  any friends” but here I am.

So, there’s my experience for the first couple weeks of college so far. I’d give it a solid 6/10 :”)

(also I know things are very scattered in this and I probably left out some important stuff but oh well I’m actually about to drive back to school and I wanted to get this done so that people could go ahead and see it and feel sorry for me lololol jk but rlly b my friend pls)

Freshman year fears

The upcoming school year approaching brings along my freshman year of college and lots of mixed emotions about it. Half of me is super duper excited! I’m moving to a new place and I’ll hopefully make lots of good memories during the next four years! However, I’m also slightly terrified. I’m moving two and a half hours away from home. None of my close friends from high school are going to college with me. I’ve never even driven in my college town. So, I decided the best thing to do would be to let my fears out into the world (plus at the end of the year I can look back on this and laugh at how completely dumb and ridiculous I was. or, I can internally scream “YES LAUREN YOU WERE SO RIGHT COLLEGE IS SO SCARY” but hopefully that won’t have to happen). So, let’s begin!

1.) What if nobody likes me? I always imagined myself going to the same college as my best friends; I thought we would be roomies and experience college life together. Sadly, I’m going to be at least an hour away from all of my close friends from home. The only person I’ve met in person that’s going to my college is my boyfriend, and he kind of has to like me. I will admit that I have talked to a fair share of people in my freshman class over the phone, but I just can’t seem to form a connection with anybody. Now it’s not that those people aren’t awesome (they totally are!!), it’s just that it’s really hard for me to start over. Opening up to strangers isn’t something I’m used to, and I’m having a hard time trying. It’s scary. Like, what am I supposed to talk about? What if they don’t understand my sense of humor? I’m going to a conservative Baptist college; what if I offend someone? I’m very afraid I’m not going to fit in (new best friend where ya @ tho??). People are already hanging out and calling people their new best friends. It’s only July!! I’ve never had to worry about who I’m going to sit with at lunch, but now I do (Lord, please don’t let me grab Chickfila to go and then just lock myself in my dorm all alone).

2.) Is the freshman 15 real? For those of you who don’t know, the freshman 15 refers to the weight that new college students supposedly gain. And it makes sense (to an extent). You’re finally out of your house and living on your own (partially). You have freedom, and choices, and freedom and choices about what you eat. No more home cooked meals everyday. If you’re me, you have 5 meal swipes a day at the cafeteria, Chickfila, and the coffee shop (all within walking distance). My college town is also building a Little Caesars this year (cheap and greasy large pizzas: need I say more?). There’s not going to be anyone there telling you that 10 cookies for breakfast and a bag of potato chips for lunch isn’t a real meal (although it sounds like a good time to me) or that you need to stop binging that show on Netflix and get up and exercise. Your health is up to you! And me? I’m not very good at the whole “healthy lifestyle” thing. Within this past year, I’ve managed to lose quite a bit of weight (try taking the freshman 15 and multiplying that by 3), but that doesn’t mean it was easy. At home, I manage to workout in some way or go to the gym on a pretty regular basis to maintain my weight. I’m very scared that I’m going to lose all of my progress because of college. I don’t want to be the kid who operates only on coffee and ramen.

3.) Will my roommate and I get along? Okay, so I may or may not have talked to my roommate since the day we met in person. 3 months ago. And that really scares me. It’s been so long that I don’t know how to reach out without it being too incredibly awkward. What would I say?? “Hey, sorry if you hated me in person, but who’s bringing the mini-fridge?” College is less than a month away, and we seem to be the only roommates that aren’t talking on a regular basis. I see all of these other roommates bonding and how much fun they’re having, and I can’t even text mine. I mean, maybe we’ll get along. Hopefully. We both have similar majors, so that’s cool. We both like the color purple; even better!! Are we going to be soulmates and paint each other’s nails every Wednesday night? It’s very questionable (I don’t particularly know anyone whose friendship is like that but whatever). She most likely doesn’t completely hate my guts. I am kind of scared at the fact that on one of the few occasions that we actually talked, we discussed having a purple themed room. Guess who just went out and bought a ton of mint blue and hot pink dorm stuff?? Hahahha I’m already off to a great start. I can feel it. :”)

4.) Will I be successful? I was in Honor Society in high school, so I guess you could say I’m kind of a genius (not really at all lol). I got good grades, but I was terrible at doing my work. I am a hUGE procrastinator; maybe that’s my fatal flaw. I drown myself in other activities and ignore my school work until I’m completely surrounded by piles and piles of papers that I didn’t even realize were building up in the first place (okay maybe it wasn’t quite that dramatic but I thought it would make a lot cooler visual than it actually did). I’m telling myself that I’ll be a much better student in college. After all, I’ll actually be taking classes I ENJOY (plus I don’t have to take a math OR a science class: score!!). I really need to focus this year and not let my grades slack. I just think it’d make for a really awkward thanksgiving dinner if my relatives asked about that time I failed my Honors Bible Survey class (Baptist college probz).

5.) What do I wear to college football games? As silly as that may sound next to my other fears, I am genuinely concerned. I was in band all throughout high school, and we played at the majority of the games; the ones we didn’t play at, I just didn’t bother going to. I was in the student section once throughout my entire high school career; it was an away game, and the dress up theme was “redneck.” You stay classy, RHS. Anyways, I never really saw much other than hot (in the “sweaty” sense) band uniforms. So for college games, do I wear spirited clothing with my college’s name plastered all over it, or do I dress fancy? And what the heck does dressing fancy for a football game even mean?? I don’t want to stick out. On top of that, I’m already stressing about finding people that I’m going to sit with at the games. But on the bright side, my boyfriend’s been teaching me about football, so at least I’ll have a somewhat good idea of what’s going on (as long as I’m not that girl who cheers when the other team makes a touchdown, I think I’ll be good).

6.) Will I miss high school too much? Honestly it’s going to be disappointing if my high school years were the best times of my life. High school was mediocre at best. I was stressed all of the time. But, I did have some fun. I was in band from 6th grade to 12th; I was an All-State clarinet player. The feeling of finally conquering a beast of music was an extremely satisfying feeling for me. I worked my butt off. This will be the first time in 6 years that I won’t go to school with a lunchbox in one hand and clarinet in the other, and that’s really weird. I’m not sure whether I’m happy or sad about not being in band anymore. I’m also not sure whether I’m going to be doing choir this year or not. I was in choir from 10th to 12th, and I was in my school’s select 12 person acapella group (we made some miiighty fine music). To be honest, I already miss it. I love making music. The sound of voices locking together is so addicting for me. But at this point, it’s a matter of it will fit into my schedule or not. I just really hope that my college experience is so good that I won’t even have to miss high school that much.

•••

and now, I think I’ll list off a few worries that I wouldn’t really categorize with my top 6 fears:

*will my professors be easy to talk to?

*will I fall asleep inbetween classes?

*will I fall in the rain on my way to class?

*what if my first day is completely terrible?

*what if I forget something?!

*what if I forget eVERYTHING???!!

*what if I hate college?

*will my friends still in high school forget about me?

*will my animals miss me? 😦

•••thought this post needed a little pick up, so here’s what I’m actually excited about for the new school year:

*essentially free chickfila!!! (I’m already a broke college student and college hasn’t even started yet)

*WOW week: the orientation week during our first week on campus. hopefully I’ll be able to meet some nice people

*Tiger Tunes: my college puts on this show in the fall full of singing and dancing and this girl is so pumped to watch or possibly even participate in it!

*FOOTBALL.

*having an excuse to buy new clothes (oops)

*decorating my dorm room all cute

*and I’m overall just excited to be at a new place and experience new things!!

 

///thanks for listening to me ramble. I wish everyone lots of luck in this next year!! and if you’re an incoming college freshman like me, I hope you at least related a little to this post. otherwise, maybe I’m just crazy///

until next time,

lauren.

Fear of the Known

Real talk for a minute.

I’m debating if/when I want to inform people in my life about this blog. The thought of it honestly kind of really terrifies me. Real people I see in real life could read really real things about me. I’ve only ever shared any personal writing with one person. That’s one person out of hundreds that I know. However, I’m starting to become a more open person. I’m accepting myself and slowly but surely becoming more confident in who I am. That includes my thoughts, opinions, and just general information about myself.

Reading and writing were my biggest passions growing up. I would read and read and read and be so inspired by the amazing authors before me that I thought I could become one myself. So, I wrote stories. Lots of them. I even had written a whole book, but I lost the words and characters. That sometimes still saddens me to this day.

I would always have some sort of connection with my characters, as I imagine most authors do. But mine were special. My characters were smart. Brave. Outgoing. Fearless. Beautiful. They were everything I wanted to be. And I loved them. A lot. But as I grew older, reading became dull books assigned in school and writing was homework. I lost my spark. I lost my motivation.

Thankfully, I’ve felt lots of inspiration to write lately! I mean, I feel like I have a lot to say. I have a lot on my mind. I have lots of things that interest me or make me happy that I feel like would be kinda cool to share with others. I feel like maybe I have some important things to say. I’d like to be able to give advice. I’d like to help people. Because as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that one of the only things that trumps my love of writing is my love for helping others. 

So who cares about other peoples’ opinions (the bad ones, that is)? Honestly if I can make one person feel a little better during their day, that’s all I need. I need to feel like I’m making a difference, even if it’s so tiny and minuscule that nobody else can see it. I already feel a lot better about life just from creating this blog, and that makes me really happy.

and what’s more important in life than being happy?

So I think I will tell people about this. Sure, I don’t exactly plan on shoving it down their throats, but a little mention here and there should suffice. Who knows if anyone will even read this? Maybe I’m talking to myself (probably wouldn’t be the first time lol). But that’s okay too. Because someone somewhere will more than likely see my blog. And read it. And maybe even like it.

So, here’s to being brave. Here’s to being outgoing. Here’s to being fearless. Hi, people I know.

This is me.

 

//thank you to those who actually read this blog. it was not created on the idea that many would see it, but rather on the idea that maybe the few would gain hope//

until next time,

lauren.

A Fresh Start.

Happy:

[hap-ee]
adjective, happier, happiest.

1.
delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing:
to be happy to see a person.

2.
characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:
a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

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I have just created this blog only moments ago and am admittedly currently creating this post via iPhone (modern technology really is incredible), thus explaining the cliche raspberry-in-a-cup picture that came with it. Thanks, free version of WordPress! But hey, happiness can be found in the simplest of things, and I for one think even raspberries can induce a feeling of happiness. Seriously. I’m saying it. Fruit can be happy! But people? Sometimes I wonder.

I think I can speak on behalf of all 21st century humans when I say life can suck. Honestly. Life sometimes really sucks. But what are we to do? Let darkness win? Are we put on this earth to live, only to be defeated by life itself? Or are we to conquer and overcome? Defeat our adversers in a fight so grand and  epic that everyone else is simply left to stare in awe with jaw agape? I’m not sure.

But the real question is

“What are you supposed to do when the real enemy is yourself?”

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of demons. I’ve lost my path. I sit in my bedroom all day, and yet I feel drained and lifeless. I preach to others to be happy and confident, and yet I cringe when I look in a mirror. I am stuck in a constant cycle of binging and purging. As I push people away, I remove myself from life. I am at a crossroad. I am lost. I am sad and confused and angry and I am tired. I am tired of being sad and confused and angry all of the time.

“Just be happy.”

Is happiness a choice?Hypothetically, I should be a happy person. I have so many amazing reasons to be happy. I have a pretty good life. I have 3 dogs and 4 cats who absolutely adore me: I’m their whole world (does that sound mildly egotistical?). I’m going to my absolute dream school (I’m going to be a freshman at Ouachita Baptist University this fall!!). My family cares (although sometimes they show it in non traditional ways). My friends understand me (in more ways than I would expect). I also have THE most amazing, most caring, most empathetic, most intelligent (don’t tell him I said that), most handsome, most beautiful-of-a-soul boyfriend in the whole entire world who is currently trying to comfort me during one of the most difficult times of my life, and I’ll never be able to thank him enough for it.

I’m beyond blessed in many ways.

But my life’s not perfect; I suppose no one’s is, although I imagine a few come pretty darn close. I’m slowly trying to process and accept that my life will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. No matter how hard I try. And honestly, that’s okay.

So no matter how low I go, or how deep I sink, I am telling my future self right now that there will always be a surface. A silver lining. An escape. And I can get out if I put my mind to it. I can climb. I can stop myself from drowning. I can be free.

And I can be happy.

 

//thank you to those who actually read this blog. it was not created on the idea that many would see it, but rather on the idea that maybe the few would gain hope//

until next time,

lauren.